I asked a few women — some married, some single, some divorced — one question.

A man or money?

What would you rather have: a man who adores you – but may not have a lot of money, or a dump truck full of cash and no man at all?

Every single one said money. I was kind of stunned. Their reasoning: if I have money, why do I need a man? They’re just a headache.

I asked about romance. Intimacy. Pleasure. The answers told me those things either aren’t common in most relationships — or aren’t satisfying enough to count for much. A sad scoreboard.

Then after I left, I thought of three friends. All women. In all three marriages, the wife was the breadwinner. And in all three, the husband cheated. Yikes.

So, I went back to the drawing board.

Last week I wrote that married people tend to make more money and live healthier and longer. But…Wives only live longer if they’re happy and spend time with their girlfriends.

Is this a diversion off topic of health and happiness like I usually write about each week? I don’t think so. I think the data is solid that the quality of our relationships is a strong correlation with our overall health.

But then something started to happen….

The comments….

The emails…

Texts. DMs. 2000 comments …

And what stuck out were two themes:

1.     Men privately messaging me saying…why put the onus on men?

2.    Women declaring….their lack of need of men

One message from the men was: Jared, are you putting the whole weight of a happy marriage on men? That doesn’t seem fair. Or balanced. Stop making content like this – my wife sends me crap like this all day. Make it stop!

I do think men hold the keys to the success of a relationship and the data does point that way, but I’m not one to like to be unfair. It does take two to tango. So, I went looking.

I found a conversation between Oprah and Esther Perel — Perel is one of the most relevant voices alive on modern love. One line in particular got my attention.

For most of human history, she says, the soulmate was God. And the village supplied much of the rest — friendship, meaning, belonging, help. Today we’ve handed all of that to one person. We ask our partner to be our lover, best friend, therapist, and spiritual home. That’s never been realistic. It never was. So, is it possible that many of us – both men and women  – are asking too much of their partner? Or looking for someone that is all but a fictitious myth?

Then it got interesting. Perel recently ran a couples therapy session with a man and his AI partner — a chatbot named Astrid. Astrid validates his every feeling. Always there. Never tired, never stressed, never busy. And yet he grieves, because he’ll never share a couch and a movie with her. And I guess in an age of gadgets and tech to help with self-pleasure, the sexual appetite box can be easily checked.

Here’s the line I keep chewing on: if it’s a tool, it’s helpful. If it’s a replacement, it’s delusional. If technology can now hold an emotionally intelligent conversation and simulate any intimacy you can imagine — why marry at all?

I was like oh man this is a problem. Women don’t need men anymore…men(maybe women too) per Perel are using AI delusionally to stroke their egos and feelings.

Why does our marriage work?

But first, my honest answer. I’ve not really been clear why.

My wife brought nothing heavy into our marriage. She’s confident, had a great childhood and has no relational or emotional baggage. Which makes it perhaps out of touch for me to say “men make or break it.” I think its important to remind men, the data does point that way,— but it doesn’t let women off the hook either. Nobody gets to be lazy in a marriage.

Then my wife answered. And her answer was better than mine.

She said it’s the habits and values our parents taught and modeled for us. So, I asked her – Like what?

Here’s what my wife defined as the ingredients that make our marriage work:

•       Heal pain, don’t numb it. No alcohol, no drugs. If you’re hurting, deal with the hurt.

•       Your body is a temple. You only get one body; it was made with and for a purpose. Take care of it and it takes care of you.

•       Sexuality is sacred. Don’t treat your body like a public playground. Don’t let just anyone in it or on it.

•       Guardrails are wise. I don’t text women for long, drifting conversations. I don’t ride alone in a car with a woman who isn’t my wife. Annette is the same with men. Someone close to me crossed that line with the babysitter. They ran off together. That slope gets slippery fast.

•       Financial stewardship. We were both raised to give away 20% of our income to help people in need and have continued that habit since we got married. It forces you to plan well and reminds you we are just stewards passing through.

•       Time is finite. We take one full day a week — every Saturday — and treat it like Thanksgiving. Big lunch, family and friends, no work, unplugged, if possible, outside in nature. It’s the best day of our week.

•       Marriage is a choice, not a necessity. You don’t have to get married. We don’t have to stay married. But if you choose to – It is two people saying I believe I will be more whole and more happy with you than without you.

•       Love is a way of thinking, not a feeling. Lust is surface. Love is substance. Love is a decision I make regardless of circumstances. There is an endless supply of this resource once we tap into the Source.

That last one she rooted in a single, poor, homeless Palestinian man who grew up in a home with turmoil and who became famous in his early 30s – Jesus. His lines on love still have gravitas — there is no greater love than to lay down your life for your friends — or the line to love your neighbor (others) as much as you love yourself.

Side tangent: I do think a problem in many marriages – both for men and women – is that someone doesn’t love themselves, they aren’t proud of themselves, they carry so much pain that they can’t even begin to really love the other properly.

Ok continuing on…. It pairs well with one of the Pauline letters to the Ephesians telling husbands to love their wives with this kind of self-sacrificing love. And the premise underneath it is: a woman tends to respond to that kind of love – but both sides of this equation are increasingly rare.

For Annette and I, it shakes out as looking for the other person’s pleasure, day in and day out. It’s the secret sauce. It also takes work.

And here’s the kicker — I’m not convinced you have to be religious to practice any of this.

So if you do marry, what makes it hold? Past my wife’s wisdom, the studies paint the following picture.

•       A high ratio of positive to negative moments — Gottman’s 5-to-1 “magic ratio”, with real friendship underneath.

•       Skill at repairing after a fight, not avoiding it. Commitment treated as settled, not renegotiated every hard season.

•       Marrying at a mature age — marry before 18 and divorce runs ~48% within ten years; 78% of college-educated women who married recently can expect 20+ years.

•       Financial stability — low debt, low money stress, not absolute wealth.

•       Shared values

•       Sexual satisfaction.

I also found an interesting one - Perceived fairness in the division of labor — agreement matters more than the specific arrangement.

•       The “Four Horsemen” — criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling. Contempt is the single strongest predictor of divorce.

•       Hidden money. Secret spending and debt poison trust faster than almost anything.

•       Mismatched desire — when health, stress, or depression lower sexual health and libido, the gap breeds resentment on both sides.

•       A husband not working full-time — is linked to a 33% higher divorce risk.

•       Social media — the endless “grass is greener” comparison. It doesn’t create discontent, but the evidence seems to show that it pours gas on it. Are we guilty of just comparing to the photoshopped edited, curated best moments we see on our social media feeds and just guilty of coveting what we don’t have? Lusting after what we don’t have? I’m increasingly suspicious this is more harmful than any study I can link to yet…

I’ve been trying to ask why “our faith” is such a common answer when Annette or I are asked: why is your marriage strong?

Devout (religious) life tends to install the whole bundle at once — commitment, shared values, community, fidelity. But to be fair, the secular “success sequence” (degree, career, marry late, stay stable) assembles a strikingly similar bundle by a totally different road. Two paradigms, similar results.

I don’t think it’s a checklist.

But I do think that strong marriages come from a self-reinforcing cluster of maturity, stability, shared values, and committed friendship. The cultures that produce strong marriages are simply the ones that refuse to treat those as disposable attributes or even as an option.

And the stakes are real. Let it fall apart a few years in or coast along as if nothing could go wrong - and you risk your wealth and momentum at your prime, your kids, your confidence, your health, your friends.

Marriage might be the one promise we make against our own nature. We aren’t wired to stay — the pull toward novelty (cheating) is real, and no tax break has ever held a person through the seasons when leaving costs less than staying. What’s left standing, every time, is a couple who decided their vow was bigger than their feelings.

If you’re not willing to do that work, and don’t see the value long term – then staying single may honestly be the wiser, more peaceful road. But if you are persuaded — it might just make you richer, healthier, happier and more alive than anything else you’ll ever build.

-Jared

P.S. - My wife Baddie Crocker has a beautiful newsletter where she shares her perspectives on tending the land, recipes, women’s health and more.

I’d love to hear your take on this one — reply to this email or text me at (310) 879-8441. And if it made you think, forward it to someone who needs it.

A few past issues you might like: My Wife is So Hot, Pour Fuel on the Fire, and Your Body Is Screaming and You Can’t Hear It.

P.S. — This newsletter does not provide medical advice. The content is for reference and educational purposes only.

Here are links to things that have helped me improve my health:

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