We’ve got a problem…  

When you signed up for this newsletter, you filled out a short survey - I thought the answers might change over time but they don’t. We all are pretty clear without any of my help on what healthy living and healthy habits are all about.

I know I should eat healthier, walk more, go to sleep earlier, eat less sugar, blah blah blah - that’s not the issue - I don’t WANT to do those things.

I love how Mel Robbins puts it “motivation is garbage”. I increasingly agree.

But so many of us are trying to beat ourselves up and find a new pill, new machine, new diet plan, new this, new that to finally get healthier and happier - but drawers and cabinets full of unused supplements and exercise gadgets starts to lead us to discouragement and despair.

I think the reason is because so many of us are trying to deal with symptoms rather than root causes.

For years I used to try to encourage people to do healthier things, choose healthier habits and I’d start with things like:

• Next time you go to the grocery store - choose fresh items that can expire - not ones in packaging

• Attach a habit you do like i.e. watching your favorite show to one you don’t - walking 10,000 steps before you sit down to watch it.

The list could go on and on. But truth is - I never really understood (or maybe I chose to ignore) the deeper issues that drive our decisions on a daily and hourly basis.

Here are some examples:

• You choose the escape of porn because it seems like the shortest path to pleasure versus all the hoops of relationship - unselfishness, kindness, thoughtfulness, flirting, dating, acts of service, some ‘thinking of you’ texts here and there, oh and then you have the physical demands of sex, putting the other persons pleasure ahead of your own - and the brain says - NOT WORTH IT!

• You choose the escape of that favorite tub of ice cream and watching your favorite show rather than a healthy smoothie and a long walk. The show is great, the characters are attractive, the ice cream is so good, the ice cream is sooooo good and people may want to talk to you and are you really wanting to talk to people as you walk around the block? You have to put on your workout clothes, your walking shoes, you’re not in great shape, the couch, ice cream and Tv won’t judge you like the gym or people gawking as you walk - NOT WORTH IT!

• You choose to defend yourself, keep score and count how many times you have texted them, called them, gone out of your way for them and to be honest - friendship, relationships are hard. When in reality the reason you snap back at them, resent them and not want to be around them - is something deeper. NOT WORTH THE INVESTMENT OF TIME!

The Problem

The problem is that for many of us, we aren’t dealing with the root - the underlying issue that whether we admit it or not is driving us to make these decisions.

Did we have a parent who always yelled at us, didn’t make us feel valued or loved? Did we always have to prove our value through our behavior or actions? It’s no wonder many of us see God as some tyrant waiting on us to act right and do better - we were taught this by the god figures who raised us - our parent(s).

Many of us don’t value ourselves - we never were taught to - we were taught that any self care or liking yourself enough to do things for yourself - was selfish or a waste of time.

I know someone who chose to not care for themselves thinking it was ‘caring for those around her’ and now that she is older she is a burden on those she said she was caring for. If only she had learned that taking a walk, eating healthier, taking time to relax here and there, going to the gym, healing from trauma being raised in a country of war with parents with addiction - what would her life be like today?

I want to encourage you to answer one question:

If you could give someone in your same place in life some advice - what would it be?

I’ve asked this increasingly to people I am meeting in my life and it’s amazing the answers I’m hearing -which to me all sound like steps in the healing journey.

1. Forgive your mother - she may not have been perfect but that’s all she knew

2. Forgive your father - he’s gone, but you are parenting the same way - it’s not healthy - you resented him for it and your kids will resent you.

3. You’re beautiful - stop killing yourself and pretending like you don’t matter. Go exercise, invest in healthier food - it will make you happier.

4. Make some wrongs right - you wronged some people - you won’t feel fully happy and healthy until you go make those things right - whatever it costs.

5. Stop with the porn, you’re just wanting to view a man have power over a woman because your mother was abusive to your father and you never saw a man lead and woman seem to enjoy and appreciate it.

6. Stop being so impatient with your kids, you’re the one who needs to find happiness and not resent your kids for playing and seeking to be happy. They are only young once.

7. I’d tell her she is beautiful - to let people really see who she is on the inside - stop worrying about what people think - they probably aren’t even thinking about you anyway.

8. I’d tell him to count his blessings, play the long game. Take care of his body because he’s gonna need it to live a happy healthy life in 30 years.

9. I’d say ‘what is success’ - like have you ever defined it and celebrated the little wins along the way?

I have been inspired by some of these to make some wrongs right, to apologize to some people and to also care for myself better.

I watched my father neglect his health under the auspice of caring for others and that self care is selfish. I also only learned later in life the trauma he carried as a teenager living homeless and on drugs. I can only imagine what kind of man my dad could have been had he found healing much sooner in life on many fronts - but I can see how not dealing with some deep core issues led him to act the way he did and react the way he did in various situations.

My wife and I did a podcast on some of these ideas a little while ago and specifically as it relates to our friendships and relationships. I think you’ll dig it.

Why tackling root causes matters

Here’s a few science backed points for those interested:

• Trauma fuels unhealthy coping

  Research consistently links adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) with emotional eating and weight gain later in life.^1  People with higher ACEs often develop food addiction patterns as a way to self-soothe.^2

• Lifestyle changes alone don’t stick

  Diets and exercise are important—but studies show that 80% of weight loss is not maintained without addressing emotional triggers.^3  Stress and trauma disrupt metabolism and impulse control, undermining willpower.^4

• Mental health is key to physical health

  Depression, anxiety, and chronic stress both lead to and result from obesity and poor diet.^5  Effective health plans must include emotional regulation and trauma resolution to break this cycle.

What successful integration looks like

1. Trauma-informed care

   Incorporating techniques like EMDR, CBT, and mindfulness is linked to stronger recovery from emotional eating and addiction.^6

2. Multidisciplinary support

   Combining therapy, nutrition counseling, and stress management shows superior outcomes compared to siloed approaches.^2

3. Mindfulness training

   Acting with awareness reduces cravings rooted in trauma—especially for women in recovery.^6

I’d love to hear your thoughts. 👋

I write this newsletter each week because I feel my best when my body, mind and soul are all healthy. I want the same for you. If you feel like you’ve seen something valuable here, please do me a favor and forward this newsletter to a friend or let me know what you think by replying or texting me - (310) 879-8441

I think happy couples make the world go round. I also believe men can do more to lead and love in their lives. In light of that, I have found the following four books to be the 4 books every man should read and every woman should want their man to read.

• Good Energy - What makes for a Healthy Body and Mind?

• The Masculine in Relationship - How to Win the Trust, Lust and Devotion of a Strong Woman

• The Man’s Guide to Women - The Science of Happy Relationships

• The Desire of Ages - Leadership in a World of Cowards

Here are a few other links to things that have changed my life:

Whoop - Track your HRV and REM Sleep

Function Health - Optimize Your Health via 100+ BioMarkers

Here are a few topics I think you’ll love if you haven’t checked them out before:

How to Breathe for Better Health

How to Supercharge Your Sleep

The Power of the Sauna

-Jared

P.S. - This newsletter does not provide medical advice. The content, such as graphics, images, text, and all other materials, is provided for reference and educational purposes only. The content is not meant to be complete or exhaustive or to be applicable to any specific individual's medical condition.

References

1. Childhood trauma significantly increases risk of obesity via emotional eating and food addiction² [Hemmingsson model]¹

2. Food addiction mediates the link between ACEs and obesity in young adults²

3. Approximately 80% of weight loss isn’t maintained without addressing emotional and psychosocial factors²

4. Stress interferes with metabolism and self-regulation, undermining diet/exercise success⁴

5. Bidirectional links exist between obesity and mental health problems like depression and anxiety⁵

6. Trauma-informed therapies and mindfulness reduce cravings and improve long-term outcomes⁶