He said orgasms and porn were their flavor of anger management — cheaper than counseling, with less stigma attached.

We were sitting together for lunch and my friend shares with me that as a kid his sibling was abused — sexually, physically, emotionally — the whole gamut. Their escape was self-pleasure. It became an addiction, a daily drug to numb his pain. Eventually it felt detached from lust or sexuality; it was just a way to escape the prison of their body. They knew it wasn’t good for them, but as a child with no outlet, they had no other way to quiet the mind. Since that conversation, I went down the rabbit hole and learned this is more common than I realized.

I’ve long suspected porn and solo sex are rarely just an outlet for lust.

The phrase comes to mind: ‘Everything is about sex except sex - sex is about power.’

For many - especially men, sexual release is about relief. Especially for those who feel disempowered, unseen, or inadequate - pornography offers a vicarious reversal of power — a fantasy of control in a life that feels anything but. Yet beneath that, it’s chemistry: numbing one part of the brain with chemicals from another.

Emotional Pain Seeks a Release Valve

When anger, shame, or loneliness build with no outlet, the body searches for release. Sex — especially solo or digital — becomes the quickest fix because it:

• Floods the brain with dopamine, the neurochemical of relief and reward [1]

• Offers control (especially in quiet) in a world that feels unpredictable

• Ends with a parasympathetic “afterglow” that calms anxiety and tension [2]

It feels like healing — but it’s chemical sedation, not resolution.

Catharsis Becomes Coping

At first the pattern seems harmless:

Psychologists call this negative reinforcement — using behavior to remove discomfort. Over time, the brain learns to treat orgasm as emotional regulation rather than intimacy. Repeated use dulls natural joy and motivation [3]

Digital Amplification

The internet turns that coping mechanism into a dopamine treadmill. Endless novelty keeps desire high and satisfaction low.

Neuroscientist Andrew Huberman notes that frequent pornography use “narrows the reward window,” leaving real-life connection less stimulating [4]

It’s like scratching an itch that keeps getting worse. I think of those in a marriage relationship who aren’t sure why the spark is gone - could it be real life is less exciting because of the digital wonderland we often escape to?

The Spiritual Cost

Sexual energy is creative energy — meant for connection and expression. When it’s spent in isolation, three subtle erosions occur:

1. Empathy fades. Oxytocin — the bonding hormone — drops when climax happens without a partner [5]

2. Vitality dims. The same life-force that fuels creativity collapses inward.

3. Spirit dulls. Pleasure becomes consumption instead of communion.

The paradox: the more one seeks relief this way, the emptier one feels afterward. That is the core definition of addiction isn’t it?

What It Really Says

This isn’t about moral failure; it’s emotional pain looking for a door.

So many of us are taught to suppress anger and perform strength, so we release frustration through stimulation instead of conversation.

Solo sex becomes the quiet ritual of the emotionally isolated — relief in place of relationship, sensation in place of surrender.

What now?

Real catharsis isn’t climax — it’s contact.

Next time the anger or urge for escape rises, ask:

Anger can become clarity.

Sadness can become connection.

Desire can become devotion — when it’s no longer an escape from pain but a bridge toward peace.

P.S.

Can you imagine the impact of AI powered sex dolls and toys? It feels like the next step in devolution.

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I’d love to hear about your health journey. 👋

I write this newsletter each week because I feel my best when my body, mind and soul are all healthy. I want the same for you. If you feel like you’ve seen something valuable here, please do me a favor and forward this newsletter to a friend or let me know what you think by replying or texting me - (310) 879-8441

I think happy couples make the world go round. I also believe men can do more to lead and love in their lives. In light of that, I have found the following four books to be the 4 books every man should read and every woman should want their man to read.

• Good Energy - What makes for a Healthy Body and Mind?

• The Masculine in Relationship - How to Win the Trust, Lust and Devotion of a Strong Woman

• The Man’s Guide to Women - The Science of Happy Relationships

• The Desire of Ages - Leadership in a World of Cowards

Here are a few other links to things that have changed my life:

Whoop - Track your HRV and REM Sleep

Function Health - Optimize Your Health via 100+ BioMarkers

Here are a few topics I think you’ll love if you haven’t checked them out before:

How to Breathe for Better Health

How to Supercharge Your Sleep

The Power of the Sauna

-Jared

P.S. - This newsletter does not provide medical advice. The content, such as graphics, images, text, and all other materials, is provided for reference and educational purposes only. The content is not meant to be complete or exhaustive or to be applicable to any specific individual's medical condition.

References

1. Volkow ND et al. “Dopamine reward system and addiction.” JAMA Psychiatry (2017). Read here

2. Wise RA & Koob GF. “The neurobiology of reward and stress.” Neuropsychopharmacology (2014). Read here

3. Laier C & Brand M. “Pornographic Internet use: what we know.” Frontiers in Psychology (2014). Read here

4. Huberman A. Huberman Lab Podcast, Ep. 169 (2023). Listen here

5. Uvnäs-Moberg K et al. “Oxytocin as a biological mediator of well-being.” Frontiers in Psychology (2020). Read here